Writer’s Guidelines Told
Of the over 10,000 queries received by mail, by fax or slipped under the barn door only 3 actually turned into anything memorable and of that 3 only 2 actually made it onto the website. The one about the magnetic healing power of Benghazi sea salt was forwarded to our sister publication in Nova Scotia, where it washed out into the North Atlantic and is now somewhere off the coast of Iceland. As a result of this sad scenario our editorial staff has surmised that the best way to deal with all the paperwork is to refuse all future submissions and just do everything ourselves. However, considering the long arm of sour public relations, (We might end up stabbed in the back like The Rocky Mountain News) and the ramifications of running this periodical like those Reds run North Korea we have decided to buck up and stay the corpse.
It is with these trials in mind that sanjuanhorseshoe.com is releasing the first app in a series of corporate writer’s guidelines to be used in conjunction with literary submissions or, in a pinch, in the cat box. Here goes…
1. sanjuanhorseshoe.com is a tightly focused website. All material loosely relates to life on this planet and should be double-spaced. Gifts can and should be included with completed manuscripts. Suggestions include Cuban cigars, exotic cordials or socially expanding orchestrations. All gifts should be wrapped in pretty colored, often festive paper. Nylons and Hershey bars will be returned to sender since they represent a long-shed sexism and ignore most male members of the staff. We no longer offer free crayons. Please stop calling whomever you may be.
2. Assignments are made at least two decades in advance of publication. Don’t send us a summer story in 2024 and expect someone to read it by 2027.
3. Pay rates vary and will usually result in the sender paying postage. Financial arrangements will windup in our favor since you’re the one who sent the story in the first place. No soliciting.
4. If you think you’re Ernest Hemingway go to Spain. Hey, we hear Italy is hiring ambulance drivers.
5. Please forward all articles to the appropriate department so that all of the editorial staff is not plagued by your art. For example: If you have a gardening article don’t send it to sports and visa versa. For a better grasp of the departmental structure of this site try reading a few stories and applying basic common sense. Do not finish your final rewrite while still in your bathrobe. At least do us the common courtesy of getting dressed, and brush your teeth.
6. All articles should be aimed at the 4 -7 1/2- year-old market and should not include words discovered last night in your thesaurus. Our editors are highly trained professionals who can identify a charlatan in the verbatim wood pile faster than a fat man lines up for the free lunch after a pancake breakfast.
7. No faxes before noon, in fact no faxes at all until November since we are currently out of fax paper. No texts. No emails. No phone calls. No telegrams. No postcards. No Spacebook. No smoke signals. No notes in the mailbox.
8. Upon impact perusal of any category the prospective contributor will find an overwhelming segment of talent running through this splendid site. Don’t expect to enter this inner sanctum of the ill-behaved intelligentsia on the heels of some semi-illiterate piece like tips on buying croutons in bulk or the singles scene in Yuma.
9. All potential contributors will undergo a blood test and will be checked for lice before a final decision can be made regarding their work. Clean credit cards and nice touring cars gain special priority in acceptance.
10. All completed manuscripts could be used for bird cage liners, puppy catches, fish wrapping, cat box liners, oil filter receptacles and paper airplanes at a moment of rage and intolerance. We refuse to return submissions and, considering the above stated options how could we, and why would you want us to do so?
11. If you are still set on writing for this publication why not just buy it and run things your way.
We hope these guidelines will help and welcome your input. – Your _____ Team
